The Manuscript of Llangammontyrchrugog

O.T.C.: "Master Sionn Crwys, you were summoned to this Office on account of the Royal gift of thirty five thousand silver shillings that you received last Spring, supposedly matching your expenses in the purchase of six large carts of manure for your farm in the parish of St. Pechadur."

M.S.C.: "Yes, and we are very grateful to our good King for that help."

O.T.C.: "Indeed. We have no problem with that purchase, since we are aware that the generous application of manure is the hallmark of a prudent Farmer. However, the amount seems a bit excessive for so little land."

M.S.C.: "We thought that it would be more prudent and economical to buy at once a supply for the next ten years, and also account for our plans to acquire more land in the future, if fortune will smile on us."

O.T.C.: "I see. Still, just to put the matter to rest, would you please accompany Sargeant Frioc here to your farm, so that he can certify that the manure was in fact bought?"

M.S.C.: "Please excuse me, Officer, but I cannot do that. The manure is of a very special secret composition, and when I acquired it I had to swear to the seller, for all the Saints' bones in our Abbey and the beard of our Great King, that I would never shew it to anyone."

O.T.C.: "I see. Well, we will have to bring the matter to our superiors and see whether we can dispense with that formality. You may go now."

O.T.C.: "Master Crwys, we have explained your predictment to the Tax Seneschal, and he has agreed to forego the inspection of the special manure. However, we have felt prudent to pay a visit to the farm by Cornant Sych, which you allegedly bought the manure from, and noticed that it is also very small, and has only one sheep and two small pigs."

M.S.C.: "I must agree that, if the Officer puts that way, the situation may seem odd. However, it is not my obligation to inquire how the manure was produced by the seller; and, even if I knew, the oath I made would prevent me from revealing their secret methods."

O.T.C.: "So be it. However, our enquiries also turned up another matter of concern. It seems that the farm by Cornant Sych is also owned by you."

M.S.C.: "Actually, it is owned by a tyrst of me and my good Wife, that was duly constituted last year before the Notary of the realm. Anyway, before applying for the royal gift, we checked and double-checked His Majesty's decree, and we found no clause in it that would require the seller and purchaser to be entirely different persons."

O.T.C.: "Well, indeed, we had already noticed that unfortunate omission in the text. We are sure that His Majesty did not care to explicitly exclude such sales because it would have been deemed obvious by any sensible and God-fearing Farmer that they are not really expenses. However, since we are bound to follow the letter of the Law, we must withdraw that objection. Fare well."

O.T.C.: "Master Crwys, we are sorry to bring you here again, but the Seneschal of the Treasury did not accept my report on your case. Since, as you explained, we cannot verify that the manure has indeed been produced or delivered, we must at least demand that you provide evidence that you effectively paid the sum equivalent of thirty five thousand silver shillings. Considering the weight of those coins and the risk of theft, you surely left them in the safekeeping of a trusted Banker, and paid through a transfer of credit between accounts kept by him. Therefore, you have five days to provide us with a sealed and notarized letter from said Banker attesting the transaction."

M.S.C.: "Officer, I am mortified, but that will not be possible. Know that the payment was not made in the form of silver or gold, but in Byt coins^[2]. That is a new sort of money that is much lighter than any metal coins, and much more valuable. So much so, that the sum in question had been safely kept in a small purse hanging from my neck, which was handed over to the seller without the intermediation of any Banker. Thus, unfortunately, I am unable to provide the requested document."

O.T.C.: "You must be kidding."

M.S.C.: "I would never dare to, Officer. I swear, that is the truth."

O.T.C.: "We must admit that we have not heard of that wonderful invention yet. You may go for now; we will consult our superiors and call you again."

O.T.C.: "Master Crwys, we have talked to our Superiors and they have consulted the most learned men in the Court about those Byt coins. We apologize for doubting your word. The Sages told us that they were invented by none other than Merlin, the most cunning and powerful wizard that the world has known, shortly before his mysterious disappearance; hence their seemingly magick properties are not so surprising after all."

M.S.C.: "Indeed. Managing our finances has been much easier since we adopted them for our deals."

O.T.C.: "Sure. However, we hope you understand that we still need some evidence that your purchase of that manure really happened. We will be satisfied if you provide us a letter from the previous owner of those Byt coins, or from a trusted Banker, attesting under oath that you acquired them for the sum equivalent of thirty five thousand silver shillings."

M.S.C.: "Sorry Officer, but we cannot do that either. As the Sages must have told you, Byt coins do not have to be purchased. They can also be manufactured as needed, with a black Cauldron and the proper magick spells. Which is what we did."

O.T.C.: "Really? No, the Sages did not mention that. We will have to confirm with them."

O.T.C.: "Well Master Crwys, we talked to the Sages of the Court, and it seems that we have a problem. They explained that, yes, Byt coins could in theory be made by anyone. However, to do so one would need not only a Magick Cauldron of the Druids, but a very powerful one. A simple Cauldron, like a modest Farmer would have in his Kitchen, would not be enough."

M.S.C.: "We understand the Officer's perplexity. We just forgot to mention that since last year we have been operating a large and powerful Magick Cauldron, indeed one of the most powerful in the whole realm."

O.T.C.: "Sargeant Frioc, please go with Master Crwys here to his farm, and have him bring out his Magick Cauldron. Watch over him as he produces some Byt coins with it, that you will immediately bring to us for inspection."

M.T.C.: "Officer, that will not be possible, unfortunately. The Cauldron is not at my St. Pechadur farm. It is housed in a cottage near Bryn Cwm, whose exact location I cannot reveal, for obvious security reasons."

O.T.C.: "Well, the owner of that cottage must be able to attest under oath that you did use his cauldron to produce enough Byt coins for that purchase."

M.S.C.: "He could, but we fear that it would not satisfy the Officer, since that cottage too belongs to us."

O.T.C.: "Indeed? How many other properties do you own, may I ask?"

M.S.C.: "Only the St. Pechadur one, and a share of the Cornant Sych one. Well, I suppose I should mention also another small plot in Twlc Dwfn that is owned by a tryst of me and and my former associate Master Dynbach from Cardiff, and one in Graig Noeth that ..."

O.T.C.: "Twlc Dwfn, you said? I think I remember that another large Royal gift was delivered to a Farmer there last year. I will have to check... But that is another matter. Allright, so you cannot show us the Cauldron and cannot prove that you used it to make Byt coins. But I know that Magick Cauldrons cannot be bought at the village market. You have three days to provide a sworn testimony from a certified Druid or Wizard that he sold you a large Magick Cauldron, and another from a trustworthy witness attesting that it is still in your farm near Bryn Cwm."

O.T.C.: "Master Crwys! We are sworn to be polite and understanding in our job, with all the King's vassals, whatever their station; but we must say that you are wearing our patience very thin. Know that we found prudent to check the documents that you sent us last week, and we are glad we did. First, none of the Druids at the annual Gathering at Gors Drewllyd had ever heard of the Druid who signed the first document, who claimed to have sold you the Cauldron. Indeed, they told us that all Magick Cauldrons that were made by the Druids of yore are accounted for, and none is anywhere near Bryn Cwm. Second, the Three Sages who compiled the roster 500 Largest Magick Cauldrons of Britain, which lists your Bryn Cwm Cauldron in fifteenth place, informed us that they did not actually see and measure it, but merely trusted the information that you provided them by letter. In fact, we could not avoid noticing that yours is the only entry in that Roster that does not have a true-to-life illustration by its side. What do you have to say about that?"

M.S.C.: "Officer, I can explain that. Besides the official market for original Cauldrons, that those Druids know about, there is a secondary market for used and refurbished ones, which they do not track. I should have mentioned it before, but the one I bought is indeed second-hand. The Druid who signed that letter may have been just an apprentice or an aide, not a real Druid; how could I know that? Anyway, that does not make my Cauldron any less real. As for the Roster, we could not supply an illustration because the ogham spells engraved on it are unique and extra powerful, so we cannot reveal them. Finally, it is understandable that the authors of the Roster did not see it necessary to travel all the way from Lugundunum just to check the word of a fellow Christian who obviously shares their desire for Truth and Knowledge."

O.T.C.: "Master Crwys! Sorry, but we cannot accept those lame excuses. We will get back to that matter opportunely. But we have come across an even bigger problem with your story. We have spoken again to the Sages at the Court, and they informed us that Byt coins have become increasinly harder to create as time passes; so that, even with a Magick Cauldron as big and powerful as the one you claim to have, it would be impossible to generate anywhere near the amount of Byt coins that we are talking about, even if used nonstop for one whole year. What have you to say about that?"

M.S.C.: "Well, Officer, sorry if we were not clear, but indeed that Cauldon is what we are using now to make Byt coins; but mostly for the mere study of the Art, because indeed it does not produce much now. Actually, most of the Byt coins that we used to pay for that manure were mined by us six years ago, when Byt coins were still very easy to make, and even a simple black Kettle and three magick words would get Byt coins to flow like water."

O,T.C.: "Look Master Crwys, we will have to check again with the Sages. But pray that we do not run into any more surprises, or you will regret it!"

O.T.C.: "Good morning Master Sionn Crwys, please have a seat. I am Sir Galt, Officer of the King. Pleased to meet you."

M.S.C.: "What happened to Sir Ayn, the previous Officer?"

O.T.C.: "Unfortunately he had to be replaced. He was posessed by a powerful demon upon hearing your name, and had to be carried away to the Asylum^[3] by four of our strongest guards, thrashing tremendously and cursing horrible blasphemies, backwards, in Modern Norse or some other uncouth tongue that no one could understand."

M.S.C.: "Well, I regret the hardship that it may bring to his family, but I must say that I am relieved, as he was clearly biased against my person -- even though, God knows, I am the most honest of His Majesty's vassals. But what is the matter, Officer?"

O.T.C.: "Well, according to the notes left by Sir Ayn, you claimed to have created a large quantity of those magick Byt coins, equivalent to thrty five thousand silver shillings, about six years ago, using an ordinary black Cauldron and the approriate magick spells. Is that correct?"

M.S.C,: "It was a Kettle, Sir, but otherwise that's correct."

O.T.C.: "A black Kettle, allright. But the problem is, Master Crwys, that all the Druids we have consulted are unanimous in the claim that, six years ago, no one was creating Byt coins, but the wizard Merlin himself. What do you have to say to that?"

M.S.C: "Well, Officer... You must understand that I had to try to hide the fact, but since there is no other way, I must now reveal that I am indeed Merlin the Wizard."

O.T.C.: "What? You are Merlin? Merlin the Shape-Shifter, the Wizard of Wizards, advisor of King Arthur Dent of Camelot and King Uther Bwllshyt of Tintagel?"

M.S.C.: "He himself, Sir, to the service of you and our King."

O.T.C.: "Well Master Crwys, or Master Merlin, that is indeed a major new fact that chenges everything. I will have to report to the Seneschal and we will call you again opportunely."

O.T.C.: "Master Crwys -- or should I call you Master Merlin? -- we need a little favor from you before we can put this whole enquiry to rest."

M.S.C.: "Please call me Crwys, I would rather avoid public attention as much as possible."

O.T.C.: "Well, I am afraid that you will have that problem anyway, Master Crwys. There are already Bards at the Court singing the news that Merlin has returned and is now dwelling at St. Pechadur. It seems that someone has told them of our secret. I wonder who it could have been, since we of the Office are sworn to absolute secrecy."

M.S.C.: "I have no idea either."

O.T.C.: "But back to our matter. The Seneschal, who is fortunately a very punctilious man, insists that you prove to be indeed Wizard Merlin. The Sages at our court agree that it would suffice for you to bring us some of the Byt coins that were made by Merlin in the first year, which are known to be very different from those made later by lesser men, and whose likeness is well documented in the books at the Court."

M.S.C.: "I am sorry Officer, but -- for reasons that the Tax Office will surely understand, if not condone -- soon after producing those coins, I trusted them all to the guard of my old friend Master Dynbach of Cardiff. He was great Wizard himself, who, like me, took to living incognito to escape his enemies and the attention of the uncouth peasantry. To ensure the safety of my Byt coins, he took them to a secret cave in the island of Thule, with the entrance magically blocked by a huge Stone, and has sworn to never let anyone touch them, and only return them to me after twenty years have passed, and the last light of Durin's Day shines again on the entrance."

O.T.C.: "But surely you can get to your Byt coins!"

M.S.C.: "Sorry officer, but as you must know, one cannot trust appeareances when dealing with shape-shifting Wizards. The terms of our deal specifically prohibit me, Merlin, from touching or using those Byt coins until that day and hour has come."

O.T.C.: "I can't say that we will accept that excuse. You may go now, but you are ordered to send us the contract of that arrangement."

O.T.C.: "Master Crwys, I am sorry to say that the document you sent us, alleging to be the contract between you and Master Dynbach, is not acceptable, really. It has no signature nor seal, the Latin and handwriting are definitely not up to the standards of a licensed Notary, and instead of parchement it is written on what seems to be ordinary pigskin as the Merchants use, smelling of fish..."

M.S.C.: "Indeed, Officer. I should have attached an explanatory note. That document is only a copy that I wrote myself from memory. Unfortunately there was only one original contract, and it is being kept by Master Dynbach in the secret cave, together with my Byt coins. I thought that I could obtain it, but that turned out to be impossible."

O.T.C.: "Well, Master Crwys, then I am sorry to inform you that we cannot accept that copy as evidence of anything. We will have to summon your associate Master Dynbach to confirm your story under oath and see if he can offer acceptable evidence for it."

M.S.C.: "Officer, I am afraid that will not be possible. Master Dynbach died three years ago, in most miserable circumstances, leaving no heir and no records of our deal or of how to get to his secret cave in Thule."

O.T.C.: "I see. Well, Master Crwys, I am glad to inform you that this will be your last summons, since I believe that we have already gathered enough information to make a decision on your case. You may go. No, wait, one last question. It just occurred to me: if all your Byt coins are indeed locked away in Thule, and not even yourself can touch them -- how could you have used them to pay thrirty five thousand shillings for that manure?"

M.S.C.: "Indeed, good question. I made a small mistake in my previous statements to your predecessor. Now I remember, I did not pay in Byt coins proper. I just made a deed transferring some of the rights that I had over those sequestered Byt coins to the seller of the manure at Cornant Sych."

"I, Sargeant Frioc of the King's Guard, attached to the Office of Tax and Confiscations, witness and swear that the following is true. On orders of the Seneschal, I rode on the morning of Tuesday the Twelfth of September, with twenty guards under my command, to the farm of a Master Sionn Crwys at St. Pechadur, with instructions to arrest the owner and seize all the documents, coins, and any large black Cauldrons we could find in it. However on our arrival we found the farm deserted. The neighbor told us that Sionn and his Wife had departed three days prior for bands unknown. We seized two cartloads of documents and an old black Kettle but found no coins or Cauldrons of any color or size. [Scribbledd signature] P.S. We did not find any strange looking manure either, on the farm or inside the house."