G-CID/IC/Unicamp Circular 961021-003
October 21, 1996
Updated October 22, 1996
The Graduate Criminal Investigation Department (G-CID) of the Institute of Computing - Unicamp is looking for information on the whereabouts and activities of Marcusvinicius A. Andrade , who has been reported missing since Oct. 10, 1996.
A man fitting his description was seen, by slightly reliable witnesses, on or near that date, at or heading towards the Sao Paulo International Airport. He is therefore believed to have fled the country. A suspicious-looking lady was seen with him at the time; so the possibility that he was kidnapped, and is now being held hostage, cannot be entirely ruled out.
An electronically coded message, ostensibly from Mr. Marcusvinicius, was received at G-CID headquarters last week. It said only "Things here are INCREDIBLE" and then broke off abruptly. Authorities suspect that this distress call was faked by Mr. Marcusvinicius's accomplices or captors, in order to throw the investigation off track. (A second message signed by Mr. Marcusvinicius was received today, but it was oviously a hoax---for one thing, while the first message was in Portuguese, this one was in some obscure dialect of English.)
A certain Mr. Harada was recently caught trying to use IC's telecommunication facilities, under Mr. Marcusvinicius's name, in order to divert government research money to a numbered bank account overseas. This attempt may or may not be connected to the recent disappearance of the notorious Mr. Lucena, who was seen last year talking to Mr. Marcusvinicius, and is now rumored to be hiding in Switzerland. Any information on the relationship betwen these individuals and Mr. Marcusvinicius would be greatly appreciated.
Although no charges have been officially filed yet, Mr. Marcusvinicius is suspected of having taken with him several valuable algorithms, and a highly classified Phd. thesis project that he was developing under contract from CAPES and other strategic national agencies. A substantial reward, intellectual and otherwise, is being offered for the safe return of this thesis, properly typeset and bound, in five copies. (Only a few questions will be asked, by a not overly unsympathetic Ph.D examination board.)
Mr. Marcusvinicius has long been addicted to "torresmo", a "hard" Brazilian drug. He has strong ties to the Viçosa torresmo cartel, and has been charged in the past with pushing the drug on innocent friends. (Charges were dropped when it was found that he never had any innocent friends.) IF HE OFFERS YOU SOME TORRESMO, DO NOT INGEST, INJECT, OR INHALE IT! If you have already done so, seek medical attention promptly! (Before you pass out, be sure to inform the doctor you have consumed several milligrams of saturated triglicerides, and that a possible antidote --- monosodium hidrogentrioxocarbonic salt aq. --- may be obtained, with luck, by contacting the Brazilian Embassy in Washington.)
Unfortunately, since torresmo has been---until now---virtually unobtainable in the US, very few police officers have been trained in its detection, identification, and safe handling. We have been told that emergency instructions are being prepared by the DEA and will be distributed shortly. Meanwhile, officers should investigate any reports of foreigners buying excessive quantities of the basic raw chemical needed for the synthesis of torresmo, namely uncured bacon (known as "pancetta" in Sicily and "tocino" in Colombia). Large-scale purchases of milk, sugar, and egg yolks should also be investigated, as these may indicate attempts to manufacture "quindine", "doce-deleite", and other highly addictive Brazilian drugs.
Mr. Marcusvinicius is also known to be fond of barbecues, shopping malls and Modula-3, and is allergic to mineral water and affine arithmetic.
WARNING: Mr. Marcusvinicius is highly unpredictable and dangerous, and should be approached with extreme caution. Just prior to his disappearance he had received extensive training by CAPES on advanced paperwork-fighting tactics in an urban context. He has reportedly transacted on several occasions with key members of a well-known international subversive network, who are believed to have provided him with detailed recipes for the home assembly of crude but effective operating systems. A search of his home directory uncovered evidence suggesting he may now be taking a crash course on grant survival and deadline fighting techniques at the infamous Portales de las Cuentas del Infierno ("Bill Gates of Hell") theorist training camp, believed to be located somewhere north of the Nicaraguan jungle.Threfore, IF YOU SEE HIM, DO NOT ATTEMPT TO CAPTURE HIM ON YOUR OWN! Act normally, keep a safe distance, and WARN US IMMEDIATELY by sending e-mail to phd@dcc.unicamp.br. (Officers on duty around the clock, no charge to mailing party; you don't need to identify yourself.)
NOTE: In case he threatens to attack you, ask him about his thesis; that should put him on the defensive.
G-CID/IC/UNICAMP
96/oct/21
